Friday, Oct. 28, 2005 - 11:51 PM
Okay, here goes Julie, pissing people off again. Oh well.
If you're one of those people who believe Clay Aiken can do no wrong and write nasty emails to anyone who might not like something you like�uh�okay, if you decide to keep reading this and you find yourself getting all bothered, look at this puppy.
I read that press release about Clay's upcoming Joyful Noise tour. I don't feel so bad about missing it now.
Okay, I had been pretty disappointed that he wasn't ultimately booked at the Nokia Live in Grand Prairie, which the Nokia Live people had been led to believe. I'd gotten all excited, not only about being able to see him one more time this year (and cheaply, because I could do it for a tank of gas and some couch time at my sister's), but because this was something Mom was interested in. I'd given her Clay's Christmas CD last year, and she'd become a little bit obsessed with it. This tour would be a way for her to see him in concert at what she would consider to be a reasonable volume, where she could sit down and be the respectable 71-year-old woman she is. (and maybe, just maybe, secretly crush on him some)
But the tour dates came out, and Grand Prairie wasn't there. Texas wasn't on the list anywhere. Well, crap. It wasn't meant to be.
And although I'll travel to see him during the summer, I'm not about to schlep to someplace cold in the wintertime, especially to hear some Christmas songs. Sure, it's fun to see Clay, but I still don't get nearly as excited as I wish I could about hearing him sing about the little baby Jesus.
I was thinking, before that press release came out, that my biggest disappointment, beyond him not coming to see me this year, was going to be that he would, once again, not sing in Latin. I know, he ain't Catholic�but it's Christmas, fercryinoutloud! Where's my adeste fidelis, mutherfucker?? Can't throw a gurrl some gloria in excelsis deo? Toss in a little ora pro nobis peccatoribus to finish her off?
But it won't matter all that much now. I still don't want to see the show.
"JOYFUL NOISE 2005" tour will feature a new element - a series of vignettes with a running storyline, written by Aiken. The vignettes will feature two main characters and supporting roles will be cast in each city with local actors.
Uh�what??
Okay, when he did the last tour, I thought it was really great how he wanted to involve locals from each city in the show. It's an incredibly generous thing to do, and he's always been happy to share the spotlight.
And yeah, I know he doesn't want to do the same show every year, but�
Ugh.
To put it succinctly, if I wanted to see a Christmas pageant, I could go down to the local elementary school.
Puppy, anyone?
To put it in my usual way (which is the polar opposite of "succinctly"), he's going to put on a play, a cheery little holiday musical, and I believe with all of my shriveled, coal-black heart that it's gonna be about the Meaning of Christmas. Or, I guess I should say, Clay Aiken's Meaning Of Christmas.
I'll tell you one thing�I get all the Meaning Of Christmas I need from Linus Van Pelt, thankyouverymuch. I'm all stocked up.
Anyone else need a lesson in how to care about people and how giving is better than getting? Need something to uplift your spirits and warm your heart? (You're already at a Clay Aiken concert�how much more warmth could you need?)
Now, I'm sure there are people out there who can't *wait* to see this show. Doesn't surprise me in the least. There are people out there who love stuff like this. I'm just not one of them. And I ain't alone.
Anyone think it's interesting that his people waited until *after* you all bought your tickets to tell you what you were getting yourselves into? I happen to know there are people out there who aren't exactly thrilled right now. They're still going (as of this writing), because they want to see Clay�but they're not looking forward to the evening's entertainment.
This show will prove to be a success, no matter what he does onstage. Why? Because the tickets have already been sold. Even if I had a pair of tickets and decided I didn't want to go to the show, the money would have already changed hands. Two tickets sold, whether or not butts were in the seats. And, I should add, two tickets sold, even if the people in those seats had a miserable time. Not like they don't charge you until you're on your way out.
And it's not like he's gonna get booed. Or when he comes online to judge the reaction of the fans in more detail (and, let's not forget, us online fans are a small chunk of extra-rabid fans and certainly not typical), will the people who think the show sucked donkeys be allowed to express themselves, or will they be shouted down by the hordes of yes-women who cannot allow anyone to think anything Clay Aiken does is less than brilliant? Will the agree-to-disagree attitude that extends to clothing choices and hairstyle preferences be set aside to make room for the deafening cries of "If you don't like it, you're not a real fan"?
If not liking every single thing Clay ever does makes me a bad fan, so be it. I'd only be less than wonderful in the eyes of people whose opinions I ultimately don't give a rat's ass about anyway�people who blindly accept everything they're handed. Shit, I'm a Clay Aiken fan because I *do* have my own strong opinions! If I followed the in-crowd, I'd actually give a fuck what Paris Hilton is doing right now.
Clay's bound to make mistakes during his career. He's human. I can accept that. But if this is a mistake, will he realize it? If it's so awful that it kicks off a chain of events that could end his pop-stardom, how will he know when he's given the impression that he can do no wrong in the eyes of his fans?
*sigh*
So there's two people who will show up onstage from time to time, and I gather one of them is feeling a little down or something? Maybe Lucy will come along and invite him to direct the Christmas play�oh no, wait�wrong show.
And what's this? A little boy from Raleigh? Gee, I wonder who he's supposed to represent? (Hard to imagine how Clay could be filled with much holiday spirit�too busy being full of himself, I think!)
Look! A puppy!
I love Clay. I really do. He's a great performer and a great guy. But that doesn't mean his shit don't stink. And this show sounds to me like it's pretty pungent.
Lots of my favorite performers have done stupid shit. KISS marketed a coffin with their logo on it. There was once a Copacabana TV movie. Kevin Smith made a film called "Jersey Girl".
But those people all had long, glorious careers before that. The world could accept a clunker because they knew it was a fluke.
Kevin Spacey's artsy-fartsy (and rather self-indulgent) biopic about Bobby Darin wasn't as great as the movie I'd imagined in my head for so many years. But I can forgive Kevin for his vanity project because he's been thrilling the hell outta me forever. If he'd made that movie early in his career, critics would have said "Who the hell does this Kevin Spacey person think he is? Sure, he's a natural to play Bobby Darin, but this movie failed to live up to the pizzazz and chutzpah a Bobby Darin movie should be brimming with." And for the rest of his career, people would look at him and say "Yeah, he's a great actor, but he sure is an asshole."
Clay's still a newbie. I heart him to pieces, but it's too soon to hit us with this sort of crap. Save that for later when you've really run out of ideas. Then you can go be an evangelist or whatever the hell it is you want to ultimately be. You can teach us all how to be better people, even though we're older than you are and know a lot more about the world than you do. Impart upon us some holiday wisdom, won't you?
Awwww�this one's wearing a hat!
And it'll take a lot more than one stinkeroo to make me stop being a fan. I might not shout it from the rooftops while this tour is going on, but I'll still be here at home, loving him, despite the giant turd he'll be laying in two countries.
And when the music critics line up to dole out their bad reviews of the show�and they will�saying things like "Who does Clay Aiken think he is, anyway?" and "This garbage might be just the ticket in Raleigh, North Carolina, but here in the big city, we like actual entertainment"�well, I'm gonna be right alongside them, I'm afraid.
Okay, bitch all you want about how I'm judging the show before the tour even starts. Go ahead and believe that once I hear people talking about how great the shows are, my heart will grow three sizes and I'll carve up some serious roast beast for those folks down in Whoville.
I hope I'm wrong. I really do. It's not like this would be the first time Clay's done something I didn't like, but it's the first time he's toured and I'm actually glad I'm not going.
Let's just get it over with so I can start focusing my excitement on the next album.
ps...and don't get me STARTED about that fucking ornament bullshit�but maybe it's a good thing, cuz the most maniacal of fans will kill each other over them, and the rest of us can live in peace�
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