Wednesday, Jan. 18, 2006 - 9:47 PM
posted January 17th in the Purple Pages
I was upset yesterday. Shaking, nauseated, and fighting tears upset. Seeing that blasted article (or at least the vulgar precursor to it) and the glee that it was causing on certain websites made me sick.
And I was angry. Angry that the world was such a horrible place. Angry that all those people I was seeing, the people who were spreading the story and the people who were rejoicing in it, were perpetuating a sort of evil that I cannot tolerate, that shakes me to my foundation. I hated people, and I hated the world. I hated that anyone would go to such lengths to hurt someone who never did a damn thing to anyone. I hated that someone I love so much should hurt, simply because there are people in the world who will stoop to such disgusting behavior. And I hated that a big part of what was fueling the joy over the news was the fun of making *us* look stupid.
But tonight, I danced.
As I was driving to my Nia class, I actually had tears in my eyes. I frequently have an emotional release during class, and I was worried that my feelings were so close to the surface that I wouldn't be able to keep them in. That I would burst into tears and be surrounded by people who would want to help...but I didn't want to burden them with my pain. I sat in the parking lot and actually considered not going in.
But then I danced.
Those of you who've known me for a while know that I don't pray in the traditional sense. (Hell, I don't do *most* things in the traditional sense.) But tonight, every movement I made was a prayer for Clay. Every breath was letting light in, so I could banish those negative thoughts. The world isn't FULL of those awful people. They're out there, no doubt...but what the world is full of is *us*. The people who don't sit and laugh at someone's pain. The people who don't deal in shyte like that. The people who would rather protect someone than shove him out into traffic.
Music and love are the most powerful things in the universe. I think that's a major reason why Clay has such a pull on me. He represents music, a purity of tone the likes of which I've never experienced before, and love, with a depth and sincerity that we all could have lived a lifetime and never felt. We are fortunate.
I danced for Clay tonight. And I did cry a little, but it was out of happiness.
And I think the little cramp in my left foot is Clay saying thank you. I'm not sure, but it kinda feels like it. ;o)
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I used to write these all the time. Great numbers coupled with great passion can accomplish miracles, and my "Clayvotionals" (one of the only words I can insert his name into and not feel embarrassed) always came at a time when either we needed healing, or Clay did. This time, it may have been a bit of both.
Let the light of the Broads' love shine from our hearts, sending a protective, shimmering arc to wherever Clay is tonight. Let it surround him and warm him, let it gently bathe him in peace. Let him feel our arms reaching to him, and let him fall into them, knowing that he has nothing to fear. Let him know that we will not fail him, that we support and love him, that we believe in him. May he lie down tonight with no thoughts in his mind but those of love. May he feel the delicate touch of his Broads as we caress him and calm him and send him off to sleep. And may we all dream of a world where evil is given no platform, and true love grows always in the light. Clay, we love you always. Listen closely and you will hear our whispers on the breeze. Sleep well, my love.
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