Thursday, Nov. 11, 2004 - 7:31 PM
I hate people.
No, really.
If it weren�t for people annoying the hell out of me and those I love, life would be wonderful.
I just read an article that makes me want to kick somebody. Hard.
"American Idol" star Clay Aiken is already considering giving up his music career, because he�s sick of spending nights alone in his hotel room. The 2003 series runner-up, who has outsold all three "American Idol" winners, regrets he can no longer hang out with his friends when he�s back home in Raleigh, N.C.
Aiken explains, "Just this past week, some friends of mine and I were back home for a show and people had been camping at my mom's house. We had to put the sheriff there to make sure they weren't pulling grass out of the yard.
"My security person wasn't getting in until later on in the evening, so I sat in the hotel room all night Friday, while all my friends went out and did their thing.
"That was one time when I thought, 'You know what? If I just quit all this stuff, then people wouldn't care anymore and I wouldn�t have to sit home by myself.'"
See what I mean? People suck.
How *dare* anyone camp out in front of his mother's house? Who the hell do they think they are? It's things like this that make me sometimes hesitate before declaring publicly that I'm a fan of Clay's...what if someone were to think that I�m one of THEM?
I'm a fan. A big fan. Some, like my husband, would even say obsessed. But I would never EVER harass Clay Aiken or any of his friends or family, or do anything that would cause him to sit in his hotel room, missing out on having fun and living his life.
And what makes it worse is that even if Clay quit right now, rude people like that would still make his life hell. All because they "love" him.
Are these the same kind of women who go on Jerry Springer to tell their husbands that they�ve been having an affair with his mother, but they wanted to tell him the truth because they love him so much and want their marriage to work? Way to show it, dipshit.
What do these fans think, honestly? Is there someone out there thinking "If only I could be in his mother's driveway at the exact moment he arrives at her house...he'd see me and realize that I must truly love him more than everyone else in the world and he will know that we are destined to be together forever, and he'll invite me inside, so we can discuss our wedding plans over homemade peach cobbler"?
(You know what? I was totally joking when I wrote that, but dangit, as I live and breathe, I just know there is *somebody* out there thinking that RIGHT NOW.)
It's invasive and mean. Not to mention stupid and silly. Especially since he can't be in love with you when he's clearly in love with me. (And that, my friends, is what we in the comedy business call sarcasm.)
If you find yourself having thoughts like this, just repeat this mantra aloud: Clay Aiken doesn't know who I am. He doesn't love me personally. He is not going to marry me, not in a million, billion years.
How can I be so sure of this? Because if you're delusional enough to think you have the right to ambush him at his mother's house (or ANYWHERE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER), you're way too big a nutjob for him to ever consider you a candidate for a lunch date, let alone marriage. And if you still think I'm wrong, sue me.
And while I'm ranting, let me point something else out to yet another faction of Clay's fans...LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP.
Somebody has actually gotten so offended that Larry the Cable Guy made a totally innocuous joke that mentioned Clay's name that they sent him a pissy email.
What the hell is wrong with people? Isn't it OKAY for someone to NOT like Clay? It sure as hell better be, because there are an awful lot of people I don't like, and nobody is gonna tell ME I can�t make jokes about them. (Michael Bolton fans, meet your archnemesis.)
And Larry's joke was funny, people. He didn't say anything really mean. If he'd said the exact same thing about, oh I don�t know, CHINGY, all those humorless idjits would laugh their fool heads off...but *no*. Larry the Cable Guy just revealed to the world that he's not a Clay Aiken fan. Stop the fucking presses. Next thing you know, he'll say he doesn't much care for the Ice Capades, and the world will come crashing down around us.
It's okay if Larry doesn�t like Clay's music. It really is. Don't send emails to people who merely state that they're not fans of the same people that you are. It's fucking obnoxious and only makes you look like a moron. And then you make *me* have to send an email to show them that most of Clay's fans really aren't that stupid. I shouldn't have to do that. I've got enough to worry about. Like getting my DVR memory all cleared out so I can tape hour after hour of shows where Clay may or may not appear over the coming week.
See? I love Clay too. Bunches. Just ask my husband.
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